Not Me Monday, I mean Wednesday...Poop Edition

It's NOT Monday...I know, but I've had so many fun things going on around here...er...I mean NOT going on around here.  You can link back to MckMama's blog carnival to read more "not me's" .

I'm pretty sure my life does NOT revolve around poop.  With two kids in diapers, there is never a dull moment around here.

I did NOT change Syd's diaper and leave her naked to "air out" for literally 30 seconds.  I did NOT hear Bryce say "Mama, Sydney pooped", to which I did NOT quickly dismiss him and continue on.  After running up to her room to get a change of clothes, I did NOT hear my husband screaming "Sydney NOOOOOO!"  I did NOT return to find him wiping her off and cleaning up POOP that she *DID NOT* put in her mouth, and leave all over the pile of books she was sitting on.  (I did NOT quickly apologize to Bryce for not listening to him when he was nice enough to tell me Sydney shit on a pile of books, which she then proceeded to eat.)

Quiet child = trouble.  Why do I NOT get that yet?  I was unloading the dishwasher and Bryce was watching tv quietly, to my surprise.  Great!  When I checked on him a few minutes later, I did NOT discover that his hand was in his diaper, and it was NOT covered in poop.  He also did NOT wipe it on two of the couch cushions.  I did NOT have to scrub poop out from under his nails and strip the couch slipcover to wash it. 

(This one is NOT about urine)
Coming home after a night out, I did NOT hear my 10 month old screaming at 10:30pm.  After 15 minutes, I did NOT go into her room to console her, only to find that she was drenched from head to toe with pee.  I did NOT undress her to discover that our dear sweet babysitter got her ready for bed in a swim diaper.  I did NOT have to strip the crib, change all sheets/blankets, and wash and redress her, then attempt to get her back to bed.  I do NOT need to remind myself to show the babysitter where we keep the real diapers.

Not Me Monday!

It was not me that {almost} lost her soaking wet, bloated diaper wearing, sand covered child at Frederick Meijer Garden this weekend because he is fast, it was really hot, and I have a friggin double stroller.

I do not drink so much coffee these days that I forget to eat breakfast and sometimes lunch because I'm all hopped up on caffene.  I do not ever sit down after getting kids down for naps and eat half a box of Cheez-its either.

It was not me that you may have seen standing outside Meijer last week with a shoe-less baby in one arm, and an un-bagged bottle of wine in the other, that I did not purchase with bottle return slips from previously consumed alcohol, while waiting for my husband to pull around and pick me up.  That is just trashy.

I'm not embarrassed that, after being invited to go to the park with the neighbor, I realized on the way that I forgot to brush my teeth...because that did not happen.  Nope, I always brush my teeth first thing in the morning and I would never leave the house with sweaters on my teeth unknowingly. 

I do not occasionally put my kids to bed as early as 6:45 or 7pm  because I am just done, and would prefer they not be around me anymore.  I cherish every moment they are awake.

Would you like to share what you have not been up to lately? If so, join the Not Me! Monday fun! Click here!

Not Me! Monday

It's been a while since my last not me! post, so I'll fess up to some of the things that have "not" been happening around here...

This weekend, our dinners did not consist of El Burrito Mexican restaurant, Vitale's Pizza and Hamburger Helper. I am such a great cook that I always whip up some amazing meals from scratch.

Walking through the bathing suits at Target yesterday, I did not hear Bryce saying "boobies, boobies, boobies"...Where would that come from??? (seriously, I don't know what that was about? Is he really paying that much attention when I nurse Syd?)

I did not drag both kids with me to the doctor on friday to find out what was going on with my throat, only to have to wait for almost 40 minutes for someone to come in and see me. I did not allow Bryce to play with tongue depressors, cotton swabs, and draw all over the pamphlets in the exam room because I was so annoyed. I also did not watch him(and take a picture to post on facebook) play with the drawer of plastic speculums. I was not horrified they were not in sterile packaging so snot nosed 2 year olds can get their grubby hands all over them. Glad that is not my OB!
I did not realize the other day it had been over a week since my poor baby had a bath...oops

I have not been playing with my new BlackBerry phone constantly, which is not my biggest pet peeve that my husband used to do. I certainly did not get car sick last night because I had to check facebook statuses.

**( I did not misspell about 17 words in this post when I hit spell check! My brain is not turning to mush being home with babies all day)

Hop over to MckMama's site to read some more not me posts. It really is refreshing to know that it's not just me!

not me! Monday

I did not somehow completely forget to change my child's diaper all day, to the point that, it not only weighed like 10 lbs, but it soaked right through his pants and his father did not point it out to me at 7:00pm that night.


My 19 month old child does not shout and yell at me when he doesn't get his way. There are NO balled up fists, giant wide eyes, and noise blasting in my direction at mach 10 when he is unhappy with my decision. He would never throw himself on the floor and go limp when I try to pick him up. I have a sweet little boy who would never act like that. (and I would never have to turn my head because I am laughing at such behavior)

I have not had to turn down requests for candy at 7:30am because someone found where the leftover Halloween candy is located. We do not allow junk food and sweets in our home!

On occasion I do not have to use the bathroom with one child on my lap while the other one rummages around getting into things like the plunger and toilet cleaner. That's right people, I do not crap with an audience. By the way, Bryce did not wave and say bye bye when I flushed either. Too much info?

I did not teach Bryce to do this (seriously...I didn't! He just did it on his own one day!) I have not secretly been waiting for this day for about 19 months now! He does not also "fetch" the phone and remote too! Yay :)





You can head over to McMama's site for more not me stories.

not me! tuesday

Ok, so monday flew by and I forgot to post my not me! monday, so here is the tuesday edition:

Due to my lack of sleep, I do not doze off at random times of the day. I certainly did not fall asleep the other morning and wake up to a sloshing sound, only to look up and see Bryce with my once full coffee mug upside down on the carpet. Nice.

I did not eat 3 of Dan's birthday cupcakes yesterday. Plain and simple...I did not!

I keep forgetting that Bryce can now reach all counter tops in the house. We were in the bathroom while I got ready and I did not see him holding a tub of Bed Head hair paste in his hand while he took a big fingerfull of the yummy blue goo and shoved it right in his mouth. It also was not his 2nd or 3rd fingerfull by the time I noticed.

I did not discover that I have been doing a piss poor job bathing my sweet little girl when I did not find a horrific chunk of disgusting-ness behind her ear. I will not go into detail, but it was gross, even for me. (Sorry Syd)

I have not been lulling myself back to sleep after those 2am or 3am feedings to the Soapnet channel. I do not watch Soap Operas and eat cupcakes all day. Nope! Not me!

Not Me! Monday

As I reach for the toothbrush this morning while Bryce yells "mo-peez, mo-peez" wanting more toothpaste on his toothbrush, I did not accidentally grab the wrong toothbrush and use the old one that I allow him to play with and actually brush my teeth with it. I'm sure that toothbrush has never been on the floor, in his mouth, under the sink, who knows where else. Good thing I did not put that gnarly thing in my mouth and actually brush my teeth with it!

At Bryce's 18month well visit today, I absolutely did not flat out lie to the pediatrician when she asked how much t.v. I allow him to watch. Nope, not me! We play games and read books all day long and do nothing but educational things. No t.v. here!

I did not give my child a girl scout cookie this afternoon that was older than he is.

Last week I was walking back up the driveway after grabbing the mail and I did not look up to find my child pant-less and shoe-less standing in the middle of the driveway with the biggest most proud smile I have ever seen. I did not accidentally leave the door open a crack which allowed him to "escape" from the house in 35 degree weather.

That same day, I did not find that same child with the oven door wide open sitting on it and reaching inside.

Check out MckMama's site to read more great Not Me! moments

"not me" Monday!

After feeding Sydney a bottle of expressed breast milk, I did not sit by and watch Bryce pick up the bottle and CHUG the remaining 2 oz or so that she didn't finish with a big smile on his face. I did not find it funny that my husband was shouting from the kitchen to put it down and that it was gross. (um...what does he think the kid lived on for 8 months?)

With very little time to get myself ready in the morning, I did not almost smear Bryce's toothpaste on my C-Section incision thinking it was antibiotic ointment. (they look very similar...see!)









I certainly did not stay in my pajamas all day only to change both myself and the kids into real clothes around 4:30 so Dan would think we were actually dressed all day.

When I dropped Bryce off at the nursery yesterday at church, I walked into a room of screaming babies and realize the volunteer was there by herself because someone didn't show up . I did not consider throwing Bryce on the floor and running so I didn't get stuck helping. I did not want to come up with any good excuse I could think of so I didn't have to stay in that room! I did not leave Dan alone with Sydney wondering where I was. I did not spend the next hour holding runny nose screaming babies...my own included. (actually I did...I couldn't walk away and leave her by herself with all those rugrats)

I did not pick up the food that Bryce threw on the floor at breakfast this morning and put it back on his tray for him to eat because I am SICK AND TIRED of that kid wasting my precious cooking (ok, microwaved french toast sticks) on the floor!

Not Me Monday

Yeah, it's been a while. I feel the need to confess...er...deny a few things that I have not done recently!

While changing a poopy diaper, I did not turn away for a split second to get a wipe and have my busy little boy rip the diaper out from under him, sending the poop flying up in the air, do a flip, bounce off his forehead, then land on the living room carpet.


After many of Bryce's meals, I do not allow the wet, soggy food that has fallen from his grasp ( or been thrown on the floor) to just lie there until it gets hard so I can just suck it up with the dust buster rather than get on my hands and knees and actually wipe it up.

I do not allow things like this to happen because I'm just plain sick of saying NO all day...

Or things like this, while I'm trying to fold laundryOr things like this while I'm...NOT reading blogs, facebook, emailing. You know, enjoying the quiet that goes on when kids get into things they shouldn't.

I did not let my husband talk me into helping him cut down this dead tree in our backyard yesterday. You would not have found me, 9 months pregnant with a rope around my waist to act as a "counter weight" to help pull the tree in the direction it needed to fall. Nope, that would be just plain unsafe, and not at all White Trash!
Check out other Not Me stories over at McMama's site, or better yet- Join in! You will feel a lot better about yourself!

"Not me" Monday.

This form of weekly therapy was created my MckMama. This is way cheaper than the real thing. I'm sure one of these posts is long overdue...so here we go!
I did not leave my in-law's house yesterday with the leftover veggie/cream cheese dip and dessert I brought because I am just THAT much of a fat pig. I then did not devour the dip as my lunch today. Who brings home the leftover dish they brought to a party? NOT ME!
I did not let my one year old run around without a diaper on because he escaped yet again and I didn't feel like getting up to chase him around. He did not pee on the couch then look at me and laugh because I couldn't catch him in time.
I did not perfect the art of picking things up between my toes (lost paci, shoes, laundry) just so I don't have to bend over. That would just be lazy!
After Bryce pooped in the bathtub for the first time on Friday, I did not scoop the "evidence" out with a jimmy johns cup used for hair washing and dump it in the toilet. I certainly did not leave the tub and toys unwashed for 3 days and just give him a bath in another bathtub so I didn't have to scrub everything down.
I did not sit out in the sun today in a WAY too small bathing suit top covering my new giant preggo boobs and my regular underwear in defiance of the maternity bathing suit I loathe! (I did wear a cover-up, but still...)

Not Me Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.
While getting ready to leave the house one day last week, I did not use my flat iron (you know, the kind you use on your hair) to iron out a few wrinkles on my shirt (that I was not already wearing). I was not in a hurry since I'm always prepared and plan enough time to get ready.

About 10 minutes after not ironing with a hair product, I did not sneeze and pee on myself. I did not pause momentarily to debate if it was bad enough to just let it air dry, only to decide that indeed I needed to change my underwear. I certainly am not incontinent after giving birth almost a year ago.

We do not watch too much TV around our house so that anytime Little Einsteins comes on and they are doing "blast off", I do not find Bryce doing this... He also did not win the diaper changing struggle and escape my grasp to wander around like a pant-less mess all morning. Whatever!
I did not have someone ask me the other night if I use "product" in his hair. I did not then reply that it was probably just food left over from lunch that I must have missed? (ok, it wasn't really this bad, but you get the idea)

Now that this little man is trying to walk, I thought we might need some shoes for outside. I discovered after shopping at the store that my son does not have the world's biggest fattest feet that they do not make shoes big enough for.

Not Me Monday

Yet another week has flown by, so here's a few things that did not happen over at our house

On Friday, while trying to get myself and Bryce packed up for an impromptu trip to Detroit in a blizzard, I did not leave my 7 month old child unattended, yet snugly strapped in his little chair to watch Baby Einstein (again). I did not hear a loud THUD, followed by silence, then a loud scream and run upstairs, 3 steps at a time, to find him tipped over on all 4's with his chair still strapped to his back. Nope, that did not happen. I would never leave the room so I could get one-cotton-picken-thing done!!

I did not leave a sink full of poopy clothes soaking in the laundry room for...oh...5 days or so, because that's how long it took me to "feel" like doing laundry.

Speaking of poop, I did not hear, then smell Bryce drop a bomb, then pretend like I didn't notice so Dan would have to change it because I felt like it was his turn and frankly just didn't want to deal with it. As a matter of fact...YES I DID! I had to change the last 10 nasty diapers, and darn it...it was HIS turn!

My husband did not go out yesterday and buy me a new pair of UGG boots for Christmas (even though we do not buy presents for eachother) because he felt bad and knew that I wanted them, and said "I deserve something nice for myself". Awww :) I do not have the best husband in the world, who every once in a while surprises me in a very nice thoughtful way.

Not Me Monday!

To view the home of "Not Me Monday", where an "imperfect mother is brutally honest and lives to tell about it." click here http://www.mycharmingkids.net/

Ok, here is my attempt at "Not Me Monday!" I happen to be a perfect mother, so these are a few things that I would never do, and certainly never admit to!

After being out and about all day Saturday, not realizing we completely missed dinner, I most certainly did not inhale soggy Taco Bell on the couch with one hand, while Breastfeeding my son at the same time...all over an hour past his bed time. Nope, that would be pretty gross.

I did not allow Bryce to play on our bed and watch baby Einstein (on repeat play) so I could shower and get ready. He then did not drool/spit up all over the pillow I had next to him. I then did not proceed to make the bed rather than putting the pillow case in the wash, ensuring the nasty pillow went on Dan's side of the bed. Nope, not me! That would just be mean :)

After smelling a hint of poo, I did not continue to check my emails and let Bryce "hang out" for a while because I assumed he wasn't done yet, even though he certainly was. Then when changing the worst diaper ever, I did not smear poo all over his back, in his armpit, and on the carpet trying to get the darn onesie off him as his was trying to roll over. Nope, I always use his changing table and strap him in like a good mother.

I did not agree to babysit my girlfriends four month old little girl today because her sitter was in a jam...which means I'm home alone all day today with a 7 month and 4 month old...yikes! Not me, that would be just crazy!